Racing Certainty

All lovers of motorsport in Albia (of whom, I am assured, there are many) have been shocked by the news that the Albian Formula One Grand Prix, an event which has been held for over 50 years, faces cancellation. I am sure all my readers will be aware of the long association between Albia and motorsport, an association going back more than a century to the time an Albian first filled his new car with petrol and himself with potato-based alcohol(*) before setting out to career madly along the road, killing as many pheasant, badgers, bears and pedestrians as possible.

No-one is sure why those in charge of Formula One should have chosen to withdraw from Albia(**), but present intelligence that negotiations broke down over the issue of tobacco advertising. I understand that the particular point at issue was the mandatory health warnings on cigarette packets recently introduced by the Albian government in order to comply with European Union regulations. While F1 bosses have said they can have no possible objection to the various prescribed admonitions in principle, they apparently fail to see why the warning that "smoking can make you short and wrinkly" should be illustrated by a picture of Mr Bernie Ecclestone.


(*) Though some accounts suggest that the aforementioned Albian chose, in fact, to fuel himself with the petrol and the motorcar with the potato-based alcohol. In any event the results were satisfactory.
(**) Some have claimed that F1 bosses have exhibited a preference for dealing with oppressive regimes, for instance, butI understand that Mr Schlop and his Home Minister have made it plain they are as willing to oppress their citizenry as any other government.

Man Overboard

I feel I owe it to my small - yet undoubtedly extraordinarily witty, erudite and loyal - readership to advance some explanation for my failure to make any report on today's events at the Krep Proti's conference. Before doing so, however, I should remind them that today's main speaker was to have been Fanatik Loon, Albia's Home Minister, whose speech - I am sure - would have contained Mr Loon's usual references to the need to protect the inviolable and ancient freedoms of the Albian citizenry by locking up terrorists, persecuting asylum seekers to such an extent that they will gladly return home to be tortured by people who at least have the virtue of speaking their language, and summarily executing anyone who might consider the possibility of looking at a member of the government in a funny way.

In any event, I was sadly unable to make my report, having - following what might have been viewed as a somewhat intemperate exchange with regard to the validity or otherwise of certain expense claims I had submitted - been directed by the Head of News to "cool myself off" by taking a brisk perambulation along Ghei's renowned West Pier. I confess that I may have partaken a little excessively of the potato-based alcoholic beverages offered at the conference hall bar earlier in the evening, and this may be the reason why I failed to recall that the larger part of the pier had been welcomed into the arms of Oceanus in the mid-1970's (though how the Head of News could have forgotten this vital fact escapes me). In any event, I was eventually removed from the sea by a group of passing deep-sea fishermen, and am happy to tell you that - after making my excuses to those brave (if somewhat lonely and overeager) mariners, and following a lengthy stomach-pumping operation - I am now ready to return to the fray.

The Hardest Word

Today I was privileged (I use the term loosely) to witness the Prime Minister's speech to his party conference. Mr Schlop's speech this year was, I confess, a refreshing departure from his normal, somewhat overdramatic mode of oratory. I have little doubt that all present were glad that the PM did not repeat his presentation of 2002, in which he sought to underline his desire to heal the world and succour all its peoples by nailing himself to a cross(*).

In contrast to previous years, 2004 saw an altogether more sombre leader, particularly at that point in his speech when he addressed the matter of Albia's involvement in President Bush's "coalition of the willing"(**) in the war against Iraq(***). To the astonishment of many in the hall, Mr Schlop admitted - after months of what I believe psychiatrists would term "denial" - that no Weapons of Mass Destruction have, or indeed will, be found in that benighted country. Delegates were even more amazed when the PM went on to say that he was truly sorry for this eventuality, though they were quickly reassured when their leader went on to add that the reason for his sorrow was that the non-appearance of WMD made him look "like a lying dwyt" and "seriously frokkt up" his chances of winning the next election.


(*) a performance made all the more embarrassing by the obvious difficulty the Prime Minister experienced in nailing his final hand into place.
(**) "willing" in this case is more usually translated into Albian as "bols-hyld", an Albian farming term generally used to indicate the grip taken by a veterinary surgeon (or outraged spouse) before performing a castration.
(***) known in Albia as "Operation Bush's Poodle"

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

Perhaps the highlight (if, indeed, any party conference can be said to have such a thing) of today's Krep conference was the speech by Albia's Minister of Finance Bragdny Door. In a wide-ranging and emotive speech, Mr Door sought to put an end to the damage caused by the incessant whispers in the Albian media (whispers said to have originated from a shadowy group within Noy Krep circles, known only as "Bragdny Door's friends") of a bitter rivalry between himself and Prime Minister Schlop by uniting the party around a common cause - namely making him leader in the Prime Minister's place.

Having spoken at length, as he so often does, about the manifold advantages of prudence (*), the Minister entered a long and moving passage about the opportunities that would be available to Albians under a third successive Krep government. The most effective moment came when, with tears clearly forming in his eyes, Mr Door called on delegates to create a new and better Albia, "an Albia where war-mongerers are brought low and honest sons of preachers raised high, where the dour and straightforward are praised above the smiling and spinning; an Albia, fellow delegates, where an ordinary man - a baker, a streetsweeper, perhaps especially a Minister of Finance - can hope that his fellows will lift him up and take him to the very highest position in the land." As he said this last, Mr Door was visibly overcome, both by emotion and by the teargas which the Prime Minister had accidentally ordered members of the security forces to release into his old friend's face.

(*) generally assumed by Albians to be the name of Mr Door's mistress.

Beside The Sea Once More

Today finds me in Ghei, the seaside town located some 55 miles to the North of Blizsta as the crow flies (and some 7 hours from Blizsta as the privatised train travels). I am here not, as you may have anticipated, in order to recover from my recent injuries and brief incarceration (see An Explanation), but rather to cover the annual conference of the ruling Noy Krep Party.

An Explanation

Looking back over the entries I have made in the relatively short period during which this "blog" has been produced, I note that I have already made several apologies. I must now add yet another request for your forgiveness, this time for the brief interruption to the usual daily flow of entries. Happily, my dear wife having so kindly stood bail for me, I have now been released from the quaintly medieval jail in Zemetri, in which I was briefly incarcerated following my arrest for, not to put to fine a point on it, running naked through the streets of Zemetri screaming that I was being chased by a purple dragon (an event not unrelated, in my humble opinion, to the medication I had been given for my injuries - see Zemetri of Dreams). Fortunately, the local police were inclined to look with relative kindness upon my actions, especially given that the sheer, mind-numbing tedium of the Drid Proti's conference had resulted in a series of actions similar to my own among the delegates.

Zemetri of Dreams

Today I found myself in the seaside town of Zemetri. Having scanned my previous post (A Little Bit Of Politics) my readers will no doubt be surprised to hear this. I should explain that the decision to be here, in what is the more elderly Albian's equivalent of the elephants' graveyard, comes chiefly at the prompting of the Head of News. I should further add that my previous assertion - nay, my previous asseveration - that a group of wild horses could not drag me here has turned out to be wholly false: a group of wild horses could - and indeed, did - drag me here, and I have the severe concussion and injured limbs to prove it. In addition to providing me with this somewhat unusual mode of conveyance, my employers back in Britain have also asked me to state, for the record, that I must not, and will not in future, "mess with the Head of News".

Following my attendance at Zemetri General Hospital (whose grimy wards, surly nurses and incompetent junior doctors so reminded me of my old local NHS hospital in Britain) I went on to witness the closing stages of the Drid Party conference, and in particular the speech of the Drid's leader, Yin Flok. All who saw Mr Flok's speech agreed it was remarkable, the consensus being that the chief factors behind its remarkability were:

1. the fact it was delivered while Mr Flok was in a vertical position;
2. the fact none of Mr Flok's words were slurred; and,
3. the fact that at no point did Mr Flok claim that the audience were all "my best mates, you are".

I would that I could report further, but I must inform you that the large amount of morphine I have been given for my injuries has finally started to kick in and that a pUrplE DraGoN is EatInG my feeT ................................

Get Thee Gone

Today has witnessed yet another in a series of attempts by Albia's opposition Nyesti Party to assault the front pages of the quality newspapers. Indeed, "assault" is an apposite term, given that the party has previously sought to appeal to voters by such measures as the introduction of public floggings for jay-walking and giving socially-challenged homeowners living in rural areas the right to summarily hang, draw and quarter burglars (*).

Today, Nyesti Party leader Zavlov Nizder has outlined his party's proposed new regime for dealing with asylum seekers. With the number of asylum seekers looking to enter Albia currently running at what I am told by experts on the matter is an all-time high (namely 75 people per annum(**)), Mr Nizder has called for Members of the Grevvitren (referred to in Albia as "BGs") to agree an annual quota for the number of immigrants entering the country.

As you might expect, many in Albia have been swift to accuse the Nyesti leader of having - an inelegant phrase this - "lurched to the right". Mr Nizder, however, has already sought to outflank such attacks, pointing out that the final quota will be a matter for debate by the whole of the Grevvitren. Earlier today I was privilged to be able to speak to Mr Nizder in person, having managed to accost him in the dark alleyway at the rear of the Albian Broadcasting Corporation as he was on his way to an interview. In the brief moments before his personal assistants set upon and pistol whipped me, I was able to question the party leader on how large a quota he would like to see in place. He flashed me a smile of real pleasure - whether at being able to answer my question or at the prospect of the beating I was about to receive I cannot say - and told me he had not as yet finalised his view on the number of immigrants who should be allowed to enter Albia but took the view that it might even be as high as 3. I thanked him for his kind words and - after picking up the remnants of my teeth - headed home.

(*) It is interesting to note that Albia's Home Minister, Fanatik Loon, has condemned these measures outright, dismissing them as "namby-pamby".
(**) This contrasts with Albians seeking to flee the country, whose number is estimated at something over 75 people a minute.

Some More History

I promised some time ago (Welcome To Albia) that I would give my readers an outline of Albia's culture and history. Having given some idea of St Gozondor, the country's patron, it is now time to turn to the country itself. A small country, nestled on the edge of what was, for the latter half of the last century, referred to as “Western Europe” , Albia’s first substantial entry into history came with its invasion by forces under Julius Caesar in 55 BC, an invasion which led the Roman leader to remark – as so many centuries of schoolboys have been taught – “Veni, vedi, despexi” … … “I came, I saw, I despised”.

Notwithstanding the views of the soon-to-be divine Julius, however, within a mere one hundred years, Albia found itself being colonised by the Romans, this time under the leadership of Claudius Caesar. Perhaps those of you with a knowledge of classical history, or – more likely in this benighted age - who had the privilege of watching the BBC’s magnificent “I Claudius” series will remember that the eponymous emperor – played so memorably by Derek Jacobi - was a drooling idiot.

The Romans were to remain in Albia – rather as I feel myself to have done – for over 300 years. Having taught the native Albians the benefits of literacy and numeracy, of road-building and bathing, of medicine and basic sewerage, the Romans left in 450 AD. The Albians, like the Britons, promptly forgot everything they were taught; Albia entered it's Dark Age: an age which, judging by the fact that this cybercafe has just been plunged into darkness due to the erratic Albian electricity supply, Albia has yet to leave.

A Little Bit of Politics

Today having been, like the prevailing Albian weather, more than a little dreary(see A Quiet Day In Albia), it is perhaps appropriate that it should mark the beginning of Albia's political conference season. Even as I type, off in the coastal city of Zemetri the lecterns are being polished and the delegates dosed with appropriate mood-enhancing chemicals in order to get them through the first day of the Drid Proti's conference. In fact, such a characterisation is a little unfair: this year the Drid's have succeeded in winning a stunning by-election victory(*) and the talk at the conference (so I am told, nothing short of a very large group of wild horses or - indeed - a considerable increase in the pittance I am paid for my reportage, could drag me to Zemetri) is of a stunning coup at the next general election. Yes, the Drid delegates are convinced to the depths of their sandals and the full breadth of their beards that next year could, at last be their year. Sadly, when they say it could be their year what they mean is that next year they strongly believe that they are likely to be beaten into third place by a less significant margin than at the last election.

(*) Politics being what it is in Albia, the Drid's victory was achieved by a combination of strong campaigning on local issues, a swing against the government due to Albia's involvement in the Iraq war and the fact the Drid's hired better ballot-stuffers than anyone else.

A Quiet Day in Albia

I'm afraid the title says it all. Today is, indeed, a quiet day in Albia. Even here, in Blizsta's largest cybercafe life is less than bustling: the only inhabitant other than myself being a young lady, rather underdressed for the current inclement weather, who tells me that her equipment at home has "gone down" and that she wishes to set up her "webcam" here. Apparently she has a number of gentlemen waiting to watch her give some sort of dramatic performance. It is gratifying to see that there is a place for art, even on the interweb.

Further Apologies

May I apologise most sincerely to those who "clicked" on the updated link to the Albia Information site (see Another Apology). I can quite understand your distress. Having spoken to Vlotar, I understand that he accidentally transposed the first two letters of Albia in entering the site name. I am sure I need not enlarge further upon what resulted, save to say that the link has been deactivated. I can only reiterate my most fulsome apologies to all, especially to Mrs B Stokes of Pinner, to whom I can only add that I am sure her young son will not go either blind or, indeed, crazy.

Another Apology

Clearly it was unwise of me to place my trust in someone too young both to shave and, indeed, to open his mouth whilst being confident of the key his words will come out in. I understand from a number of somewhat irate e-mail communications that the link to the Albian infromation site to which I referred in a previous post (A Link At Last) does not work. I have pointed this out to young Vlotar, who assures me he will have things fixed asap. Fear not, gentle readers!

A Link At Last

Once more I owe a debt to Vlotar. I confess that up until this week, I had assumed that he was merely a pale-faced, lank-haired youth with an unfortunate aversion to both bright light and cleaning products, and suffering from a degree of social awkwardness which was unusual in its intensity even in a teenager. Since he has been helping me on this project (Well, I'll Try Anything Once, Well Done Vlotar!)) however, I realise that he is possessed of computing skills which are to me almost magical. Indeed, he tells me that he is the finest "hacker" in all Albia (whatever that means). In any event, not only has he given me access to the Secret Police's files, the Pentagon's Missile Defence Network and the UK's National Health Online service (three sites which I had always assumed were not open to the public). He has also, at last, provided me with a link to an Albian information site. So here you go, you can now feel free to learn all about this surprising country: Albia Tourist Information.

Little To Report

I am relieved to be able to inform you that today seems to have been a relatively quiet one in Albia, with the local bulletins focusing almost entirely on the fallout from yesterday's events (O Tempora, O Mores). This has chiefly involved reporting the insistence of the "..............." (unfortunately, the original Albian word for the post equivalent to the British "Leader of the House" reads in English as a most appalling term of abuse(i)) that responsibility for security in the Grevvitren be handed over immediately to the Secret Police. The Leader of the House went on to say that those hitherto responsible for security- frequently derided for their ridiculously anachronistic uniforms(ii) - will be dealt with in the usual Albian manner, just as soon as pit can be dug and some poisonous snakes located.


(i) Though, interestingly, I hear that this very term is one very frequently used in England to describe the current Leader of the House there.
(ii) Uniforms which involve fingerless gloves, baggy grey trousers and jumpers, and pastel yellow snoods(iii)
(iii) Local historians tell me that the uniforms were designed in the mid 1980's.

O Tempora, O Mores

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that my confident prediction that any protests at the Albian government's plans to ban bear-baiting would be carried out in a calm and peaceful manner (see The Sport of Kings) have proven to be somewhat optimistic. Already many are suggesting that the decision to send a number of Russian T-90 tanks to surround the Parliament building - something which must inevitably send the mind scurrying back to the events in Tiananmen square, and indeed to the crushing of the Prague Spring or the Hungarian Revolt - was inappropriate. Indeed, members of the Bear Baiting Alliance have themselves admitted that they should, perhaps, have left their tanks at home. Luckily, the equipment having been purchased from the Albian army - a fighting force whose equipment purchasing and maintenance programme is based closely upon that used in Britain - the tanks all broke down almost immediately they were forced to confront the capital's cobbled streets.

Despite their admission that the use of heavy military equipment to make their point was, at the least, overzealous, Alliance members have continued to insist that their decision to storm the Parliament itself was wholly justified, as also - they further insist - was the decision to release a live bear in front of the Government front benches. Certainly there were scenes of shouting, barracking and generally appalling behaviour inside the Grevvitren, but - admittedly - these did occur before the break in. Indeed, the protestors' arrival seems, if anything, rather to have calmed matters down. As to the bear, I must inform you that - apparently surprised at its release from captivity - it merely wandered around for a little, before seating itself on the Government front bench, where it was mistaken for the Deputy Prime Minister by several of those present.

The Sport of Kings

Having thankfully recovered from my illness of yesterday (an illness I still maintain to be a bout of influenza but which my wife chooses to attribute - forcefully - to an excess of potato-based alcohol), I turn once more to the purpose of this “blog”: such purpose being to provide an insight into the culture and politics of Albia, I might perhaps begin with the debate held today in the lower house of Parliament (“the Grevvitren”).

The matter to be debated is an attempt by the government to place a ban on one of the most ancient pursuits known to Albia - the baiting of bears. It is difficult, perhaps, for those in other countries to understand how deeply bear-baiting flows through the veins of the inhabitants of this land, yet I can affirm that it is a sport hallowed by peer of the realm and simple swain alike, captured down the centuries by Albia’s finest artists and reproduced on tablemats and coasters in the dining rooms of inns throughout the country. To the vast majority of Albians, the very idea that the practice of tying a bear to post and then setting a pack of highly trained pitbull terriers upon it could be seen as anything other than a jolly country pursuit would be utterly shocking. Indeed, as has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, baiting is absolutely vital if Albia is to keep down its population of bears (something it has thus far done so successfully that all species of bear in this country are on the endangered list).

With feeling on this issue so strong, and with thousands of bear-baiting supporters due to arrive here in the capital - Blizsta - to protest, many will fear that matters could get out of hand. Having spoken to the leaders of the Bear Baiting Alliance, however, I can assure all my readers that there is no such danger ... well, not unless some bloody fool starts passing round the potato-based alcohol on the journey up here.

The Evening After The Morning After The Night Before

I had the privilege this evening of attending a speech given by Albia’s Prime Minister, that masterful statesman known to friends such as President George “Dubya” Bush and Prime Minister Anthony “Tony” Blair by his first name “Kiznya” and known to his people as “that useless *^%$$er Schlop”. Indeed, “that useless *^%$$er Schlop” was the very phrase that was being shouted at him by a large crowd gathered outside the Krazzpolizzy Hotel, the striking example of neo-brutalist architecture that was the location for his speech.

I confess that, owing to a strange aversion to loud sound and bright lights, not to mention a blinding headache, which I find has developed during the course of today, I had some difficulty in following the meat of Prime Minister Schlop's speech. I am reliably informed, however, by one of those normally referred to in Albia as a "spin doctor" (and referred to by those outside Albia as "the Head of the Secret Police"), that the Prime Minister spoke movingly about the need to protect the environment. In the course of a wide-ranging address, he made it clear that he will use the full extent of his influence with President Bush and other world leaders to press for a massive reduction in the carbon emissions that lead to global warming ... and that once they have completely ignored him, he will spend as much taxpayers' money as possible on moving his house to a nice, safe mountainside well away from any floodplains.

The Morning After The Night Before

Having explained that yesterday was St Gozondor’s day, I do not doubt that many of you would wish to know how it is that the good people of Albia celebrate their patron saint’s day. And I should make it clear that I would be glad to enlighten you. However, having been so horrified by last night's protest at the Royal Palace (see Breaking News) I'm afraid I had no alternative but to treat what I have no doubt was shock with a couple of stiff drinks. Normally, of course, this would not have been a problem. As a preface to the traditional St Gozondor's day celebrations (see Welcome to Albia!), however, it was perhaps a little unwise. I have a vivid memory of running into a group of dear friends (whose names and faces I confess I cannot now recall) on arriving in my chosen tavern, but beyond that I can find only a gaping void.

Breaking News

I am shocked to be able to bring you some breaking news. Having bid my dear wife goodbye, with the assurance that I would be returning early from the St Gozondor's day celebrations, I found my path to my local inn blocked by a crowd of Blizstans. This was in itself unexpected, the habit of all Albians on their Saint's Day (as it is, indeed, on most other days) being to find the nearest establishment purveying alcohol (or, failing that, purveying methylated spirits/petroleum/Malibu) entrench themselves inside it and render themselves insensible.

My surprise turned to horror when I discovered that the crowd had gathered to witness the antics of a member of Fathers For Headlines who had scaled the balcony of the Royal Palace, dressed as every Albian's favourite superhero Arnold Schwarzenegger(*). The purpose of this exhibition was, as I understand it, to publicise his organisation's attempts to prove that Fathers are irresponsible fools deserving of as much attention as the irresponsible fools in government or the English Football Premiership.

Luckily, the whole demonstration was swiftly brought to an end by members of the Blizstan police force. I am sure that all will accept that they used the minimum force necessary in removing the "gentleman" from his place on the balcony, a volley of fire from their brilliantly polished Kalashnikovs being the only option reasonably available to them.

(*) Albians, being sensible folk, refuse to believe that the Governor of California can possibly be anything other than a fictional character.

Welcome To Albia!

Having at last "got to grips" as it were with this "blogging technology", it is time for me to tell you a little about Albia, the little state on the edge of Europe so different, yet so like, my own dear Britain (*).

And what better day could I choose than this, the 13th of September? This is, no doubt, a day of little significance to most of you in what we must now call - in accordance with the fashion created by certain members of the Bush administration – “Old Europe”. To Albians, however, today is “St Gozondor’s day”. “Saint who?” many of you are no doubt asking, to which one can only respond that St Gozondor is the patron saint of Albia, chosen, no doubt, on the same basis that England chose St George, that basis being that during the whole of his life, he never once set so much as a single toe upon the land with which he would eternally be associated. For this, like many Albians, I envy him.

I would that I could continue. Sadly, however, I am afraid I must desist for the moment, as I note that the man behind me waiting to use the computer is not only becoming impatient, but also bears more than a passing resemblance to Charles Manson. In the meantime, I will see if young Vlotar can tell me how to provide what I believe is termed a "link" to the Albian Tourist Board website. For the moment, however, farewell.

(*) (Re-reading that sentence I should perhaps make clear that I mean "dear" in the sense of appallingly expensive)

An Apology

Rereading the contents of last night's missives, it occurs to me that I may perhaps have been a little ... overexuberant. I am sure you will understand me when I say that I have been under some considerable pressure recently. I can only ask those of you who may have been offended by the contents of my "blog" (hideous word, if - indeed - it qualifies as a word at all) to forgive me. I should apologise in particular to my Head of News, who is a fine journalist and administrator of temperate habits, and a most kind and attractive woman to boot.

Well done Vlotar!

Bloody hell! It worked! Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Three pints of your finest potato-based alcohol for young Vlotar, landlord! Right, roll on tomorrow.

Well, I'll try anything once

... mind you, that's how I ended up stuck in this god-forsaken country. Never, ever let the Head of News challenge you to a vodka-drinking contest (or was it a who can piss the highest contest, I forget). Anyway, Vlotar here tells me that if I "click" (whatever that's supposed to mean) on the "publish post" thingie, this'll find its way to the interweb. We'll see.

Albian Dictionary: Mowsli

The Albian equivalent of muesli, consisting (so far as anyone can tell) of nuts, raisins, woodchip and beetroot-shavings. It is normally served up in a large bowl smothered in potato-based alcohol or (if times are desperate) milk.

The Albia Factbook

ALBIA: THE BACKGROUND
During its many centuries of existence The Unified Country of Greater Albia has taken a leading role in Europe, which is to say it has a long history of warfare, slave-trading, conquest and religious repression and racial hatred punctuated by brief moments of relative calm and sanity. During the nineteenth century, Albia became a dominant industrial and maritime power(1). Even today, many Albians are proud that their soldiers and sailors once brought the Pax Albiana to many of the peoples of the globe(2). Its resources dissipated during the twentieth century by two World Wars, assorted minor conflicts, attempts to keep to the gold standard, blowing vast sums on the Millennium Tetrahedron &c &c, Albia spent much of the second half of the 20th Century attempting to rebuild itself as a modern and prosperous European nation. At the current rate of progress, it may achieve its goal shortly before the sun becomes a red giant. Recent constitutional moves to devolve power to the regions have seen the setting-up of the Dipfryde Assembly, the Assembly of the Principality of Taphs and the Trubbld Assembly (which is usually suspended due to the fact that the people of Trubbld can’t stand the sight of each other)

(1) that is, it took a large amount of land and resources from the peoples of Africa and Asia by virtue of (a) the indomitable Albian spirit, (b) the Albians having lots of guns and (c) the peoples with the land and resources not having so many guns.
(2) Not to be confused with the Pox Albiana, which Albian soldiers and sailors also brought to many of the peoples of the globe. Fortunately the effects of this particular “gift” to the world have been greatly improved since the invention of antibiotics.

LOCATION
The edge of Europe

AREA
total: 244,820 sq km (3)
land: 241,590 sq km
water: 3,230 sq km

(3)For my American readers, this is equivalent to an area slightly smaller than Oregon. For those of my readers who are not American, all I can say is that I understand Oregon to be an American state slightly larger than Albia.

CLIMATE
Temperate – ie it rains much of the time, save for winter when it generally sleets(4)

(4) though, thanks to global warming, it usually rains in winter as well, these days.

TERRAIN
Flat in the North and West, where anybody who is anybody lives, rugged hills and mountains elsewhere.

NATURAL RESOURCES
coal, petroleum, natural gas, bears, iron ore, lead, zinc, gold, tin, limestone, salt, clay, chalk, gypsum, potash, silica sand, slate, arable land, potato-based alcohol

NATURAL HAZARDS
Windstorms, flooding, bears, people who have enjoyed too much potato-based alcohol

POPULATION
60,943,912 (July 2008 est.)

COUNTRY NAME
Long Form: The Unified Kingdom of Greater Albia
Short Form: Albia

GOVERNMENT TYPE
Constitutional Monarchy

EXECUTIVE BRANCH
Head of State: Queen Dowdi
Heir Apparent: Prince Yusslez
Head of Government: Bragdny Door
Cabinet: Cabinet of ministers appointed by head of government

LEGISLATIVE BRANCH
bicameral Parliament – the “Grevvitren” - comprised of the Nobz (consists of approximately 500 life peerz, 92 hereditary peerz and 26 clergy) and the Zkum (646 seats; members or BGs are elected by popular vote to serve five-year terms unless the House is dissolved earlier) elections: Nobz - no elections. Zkum - last held 5 May 2005

POLITICAL PARTIES
Krep Proti – (literally, “the not very good party”) leader, Bragdny Door
Nyesti Proti – (literally, “the nasty party”) leader, Bambi Nottinill
Drid Proti – (literally “the third party”) leader, Bambilite Hoo

The Albia Gazetteer (A-M)

666

The number for all emergency services (police, ambulance, fire, alcohol purveyors) in Albia. Over the years, many have campaigned for a change to this number given its somewhat unfortunate connotations. Such campaigners have, nonetheless, always been outnumbered by those who feel that the "number of the beast" is entirely appropriate given the state of Albia's fire, ambulance and police forces.


Ayrlijns Albiansk ("AA")
Ayrlijns Albiansk (Albian Airlines)- Albia's national air carrier. Its abbreviated title "AA" has led to confusion in the past. Indeed, a journalist pal did once turn up - admittedly somewhat the worse for wear - to a flight under the assumption that he was attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He refused to be deterred from this belief - whether by the air safety procedure being explained, being forced to strap himself into a seat of a size normally associated with the crating of veal calves, or by the vast amounts of alcohol he was offered (and freely accepted) during the flight - indeed it was only when he sobered up some three days later on the floor of a Kyrgyz yurt that he began to realise his error.


Albian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC)

"Albianska Borlsenda Corruptti", the Albian Broadcasting Corporation or ABC, is Albia's world-famous public service broadcasting channel, known across the globe for its production of internationally recognised "landmark" television programmes such as "Doktor Vot", "Strictly Blow Football" and "Gardener's Question Time"(*).

Facing declining audiences thanks to the proliferation in media platforms and the increasing hegemony of the world wide intertube, the ABC has been forced to move in new directions to attract viewers. In recent years it has concentrated on the production of a series of scandals (usually orchestrated with the assistance of Da Heyt) such as using cutting techniques to show Queen Dowdi repeatedly punching a photographer in the face and encouraging radio performers such as Ruska Tvatz and Jonat Overpeyd to flash their genitals at ageing comic actors as part of their new "edgy(***)" comedy show "Overpeyd Tvatz".

(*) In which a TV gardener gives answers to questions wholly outwith his field of knowledge, such as "what are the merits of M theory as against classical string theory in the search for a unified field theory of matter(**)?" The programme was at least an improvement on its predecessor "Gardeners' Question Time" in which senior politicians such as Kiznya Schlop were asked questions by a panel made up of TV gardeners.
(**) The answer to which is, if you believe the series, "one makes greater use of John Innes Number 3 potting compost".
(***) For non-native speakers, I should note that in Albian "edgy" denotes any behaviour which would seem amusing to a 15-year-old boy after having a serious go at that "200 cans for a pahnd" pack of potato-based lager they picked up at Sharezburys or rival supermarket Tenko.


Albiansk Rojjal Zpozt (ARZ)

The Albian Royal Mail. A ridiculously incompetent organisation with a well-deserved reputation for late delivery, loss and theft of mail. Needless to say, this reputation has proved of enormous assistance to many an impoverished foreign correspondent who has found it necessary to claim that that the cheque for rent/hire-purchase payment/late-night cable television service must have got lost in the post.

Somewhat unfortunately, the ARZ postboxes are referred to in Albian as ARZhollz. By lucky hap, this is also the description used for many ARZ staff.


Bambi Nottinill

See Nottinill, Bambi


Bambilite Hoo

See Hoo, Bambilite


Bangor Wollpeppa

See Wollpeppa, Bangor


Barmi Ruuffah

See Ruuffah, Barmi


Bear Baiting Alliance

An organisation of typical country folk(1) devoted to the preservation of one of Albia's most ancient sports - the baiting of bears. To the vast majority of Albians, the very idea that the practice of tying a bear to post and then setting a pack of highly-trained pitbull terriers upon it could be seen as anything other than a jolly country pursuit would be utterly shocking. Indeed, as has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, baiting is absolutely vital if Albia is to keep down its population of bears (something it has thus far done so successfully that all species of bear in this country are on the endangered list).

(1) solicitors, estate agents, dentists, consultant surgeons, business magnates, members of the aristocracy, major landowners, downshifted media-types, architects and - it is claimed - even the odd farmer.


BG's

"Buerkz da Grevvitren" - Members of the Zkum and the equivalent of British MPs.


Blinki, Vort

Albia's Justice Minister, having formerly held the positions of Home Minister and Foreign Minister. Mr Blinki's permanently surprised expression and stammering manner of speech have often led his political friends and allies alike to assume his bumbling appearance must conceal a mind of laser-like focus and adamantine resolution. Such an assumption, while natural, is wholly erroneous.


Blizsta

Blizsta, "the Soot", "the Great Cankre" is the capital of Albia, a sprawling city of nearly 10 million inhabitants straddling the Zkumi river. A centre of business, the arts and sciences. As that great Albian lexicographer Dr Yohan Zamulzon himself put it so famously "When a man is tired of Blizsta he has at last ceased to exhibit any sign of insanity".


Blizstans

The benighted inhabitants of Blizsta. Viewed by the inhabitants of northern Albia as evil gangsters and wide boys, and by southern Albians as effete and ineffectual, of indeterminate gender-preference and with a tendency to favour the media, social work or modern art as career choices.


Blytz, Da

"Da Blytz" refers to the bombing of Albia by the Germans during the Second World War. Albians remember this as a halcyon time in which the people of their plucky nation stood shoulder-to-shoulder against an overwhelming foe, while digging for victory, putting their best foot forward and saying "Don't tell him your name, Pijk" to young members of the Home Guard. In fact, if one examines the records properly, it turns out to have been a time of soaring crime, rampant venereal disease and massively-overworked backstreet abortionists, while the spirit of Da Blytz turns out to have been illegally-distilled.


Bomd

The capital of Trubbld.


Bor Yt Hunza

The "Bor yt Hunza" or "Bear and Hounds" is my favourite hostelry in Blizsta, having
replaced in my affections the "Troia Schitz Da Vinda" (in English "The Three Sheets to the Wind") which has - thanks to the dread influence of the potato-based-alcohol magnates - been converted into "Yusslez O'Ropie's", an (allegedly) Irish theme pub.


Bragdny Door

See Door, Bragdny


briyb

The Albian term for a monetary penalty imposed by law. In Albia it is the custom for such "briybz" to be paid directly to the arresting officer, in the form of cash, cigarettes, potato-based alcohol or any other readily saleable goods.


Bumblah, Ygor

Mayor of Blizsta. Formerly the Nyesti party's shadow arts minister and higher education minister, known to the simple one-nation Nyesti folk of his old constituency Kreemti-zur-Zkumi as "the ghost that pedalbikes".

An old friend of Bambi Nottinill, with whom he was at Cowbrijj University and, like Nottinill, educated at the world-famous Hungri public-school.

In addition to his "work" as a politician, Mr Bumblah has also been the editor of political monthly "The Bystander", a novelist, leader-writer, presenter of comic television programmes, semi-professional lothario and (to use an indelicate yet apposite term) general media-whore.


Cobba

A former Albian colony in the antipodes, noted for the lethality of almost all of its wildlife, the plain-speaking nature of its people and the mind-numbing dreadfulness of its soap operas, at least two of which must - by law - be showing on Albian television at any one time.


Cowbrijj

The most ancient university in Albia, and one of the world's leading academic institutions. Since the late 12th Century, students have been coming to Cowbrijj to gain the benefit of its academic rigour and very reasonable bar prices. The favoured seat of higher education for the ruling classes for eight hundred years, wherever you find a significant Albian institution there also will you find a large number of Cowbrijj alumni, usually making the most of their lavish expense accounts.


Da Blytz

See Blytz, Da


Da Eerwigz

See Eerwigz, Da


Da Heyt

See Heyt, Da


Da Tytz

See Tytz, Da


Da Zhiti

See Zhiti, Da


Dipfryde

Dipfryde is the country that forms the southern part of the Unified Kingdom of Greater Albia. Dipfryde is perhaps best known around the globe for three things: the contribution of its populace to the Industrial Revolution and Albian Enlightenment philosophy, the traditional Dypfridian male costume of the "ghurli" (a tartan skirt) and, lastly, the tendency of Dipfrydians to believe that any dish - be it however fine or mean - can be improved simply by coating it in batter and dropping it in heated oil.


Dikki Tvot

See Tvot, Dikki.


Dikkins, Jammi

Once merely a television chef hitherto best known for his advertisements for (a) the supermarket chain Sharezbury and (b) himself(1), Jammi Dikkins is - following his lengthy campaign to have Albian schoolchildren fed something other than their traditional diet of deep-fried breaded mechanically recovered weasel-testicles - now a colossus bestriding political debate and at whose feet the leaders of the political parties abase themselves.

(1) though it should be noted that these latter advertisements have generally masqueraded as television programmes.


Door, Bragdny

Albia's Prime Minister. Mr Door, like so many of his fellow Albian politicians is a native of Dipfryde and, like so many of his fellow Dipfrydians has something of a reputation for being rather dour and earnest. This earnestness is best exhibited in two areas: first, his careful(*) stewardship of the Albian economy; and, secondly, his deep and abiding loathing for the man he succeeded as Prime Minister, Kiznya Schlop, whom he claimed stole the leadership of the Krep Party from him(**). Despite this long-standing animosity, Mr Door was to marry Mr Schlop in 2005 (as exclusively revealed on this blog). The marriage was subsequently annulled on the grounds that the couple "hated each other's guts".

After becoming leader Mr Door saw himself and his party fall to popularity levels more usually associated with the Black Death or football referees. Nonetheless, recent months have seen some improvement in the polls, perhaps related to Mr Door's revelation in late 2008 that "Bragdny Door" was merely the alter ego of "Super Minister" a hitherto unrecognised superbeing who had come among us to "save the banks, save the world". At the time of writing the nature of his superpowers remains unascertained, though they may well have something to do with boring enemies into submission by repeating the same line over and over again before grinning awkwardly.

(*) or, at least, Mr Door continually assured us his stewardship was "careful". Given the fact that Albian economy is worth slightly less than the remainder value of Mr Door's weighty tome "On Cowardice", one can only presume his dictionary has a misprint.
(**) this all arises from a meeting between the two at the celebrated "Watterijse" restaurant in the early 1990's, where it was agreed between the two that Mr Schlop would stand for the party leadership, rather than Mr Door(2).
(2) Mr Door's agreement, admittedly, only having been obtained after he had drunk several glasses of the rohypnol-laced wine Mr Schlop had prepared for him.


Dowdi II

Constitutional monarch of Albia.

Queen Dowdi is regarded by all Albians as a paragon of kindness and virtue unstained by any fault (although, given the way her children Prince Yusslez, Prince Handzy, Princess Naffe and Prince Hammi turned out, I find this somewhat hard to believe).

Her Majesty will be succeeded by her eldest son, Prince Yusslez. All Albians pray daily for her health and long life.


Drid Party

"Drid Proti" translates into English as "Third Party". The party is so-called because third is the position it unfailingly occupies at any general election. Having been a dominant political force during the nineteenth century, the Drids are now a relatively minor, left-of-centre party, best known for their emphasis on human rights(1) and willingness to do almost anything to win an election.

(1) especially the rights to grow a beard, wear sandals over socks, eat mowsli, smoke cannabis, read "Da Garindua" and be sanctimonious at dinner parties.


Dumazd Dumazi

See Dumazi, Dumazd


Dumazd Fickficki

See Fickficki, Dumazd


Dumazi, Dumazd

Former Shadow Home Minister and once seen as the most likely candidate to become leader of the Nyesti Party following the departure of Zavlov Nizder. A former member of Albia's reserve special services (the AZZ) and thus able to break a human neck with his bare hands but only at weekends, Mr Dumazi - while not generally seen as the brightest glass in the dishwasher - was once a favourite with his party's "grass-roots" membership, although given that the average member of the Nyesti grass-roots is a 112-year-old, xenophobic, pro-hanging-and-flogging male presently seated in his hall with a shotgun ready to shoot the first burglar he can find in the back, this may not necessarily be a good thing.

Shortly after the loss of the leadership battle to Bambi Nottinill, Mr Dumazi stepped down as a BG and fought a byelection to protest at the increasing infringement of individual freedom by the Albian State. Mr Dumazi was swiftly returned to the Grevvitren with a large majority, although he is currently understood to be being held in a secure black-ops site by SM5, under round-the-clock surveillance.


Eck Faktor, Da

A popular(*) Albian TV programme in which members of the public compete to tell the most nausea-inducing sob story, preferably involving the death of a close relative from cancer, some sort of broken home or maybe even their childhood puppy being placed in a blender as a punishment for failing to align their deep-fried sprouts properly on the plate, all in an attempt to obtain the approval of a panel of judges drawn from the worlds of popular music and the Albian Inquisition.

(*) A word which, in this context, indicates the total mental breakdown of a whole nation.


Edna, Nolli

Nolli Edna is a former disc-jockey, current TV "personality" and would-be overlord of the known universe.

A follower of so-called "cosmic stupidity" Mr Edna believes that if one writes down one's life-wishes they will be delivered by the cosmos(1) - a theory this correspondent has put to the test many times, without success, by wishing that Mr Edna would be wiped off the face of the Earth.

Once known for 70s children's TV programme "Junk Shop"(2) and 80s family entertainment show "Nolli's Let's Hope None of the Stunts Kill Anyone Party", he is now the presenter of "Cat or No Cat"(3), in which quantum physicists can win prizes by guessing whether the cat in a box is alive, dead or both, and "Nolli's Oberkommando", in which he tries to turn his audience into an utterly obedient mob, filled with murderous rage, using tales of local council incompetence and heart-warming human interest stories.

(1) Which, even if it only delivered, say, one wish in two thousand, would still turn out to be far more reliable than Albia's postal service the ARZ.
(2) In which Albian youths were encouraged to con their fellows into nearly-new Micronauts and Tiny Tears dolls for broken bits of Meccano or hairless Girls World toys.
(3) "Puzzi o Na Puzzi" in Albian


Eerwigz, Da
Da Eerwigz were a world famous popular "beet" combo of the 1960's. The band's members, Djim Limboh, Makka Thumzup, Hari Kwyutwun and Bimbo Starkers, all loyal sons of Skowz(*), amazed the world with their beet music, patented Skowz wit and bowl-cut hairstyles. With albums such as "Lieutenant Mustahdz Executive Massage Service" and "Da Brahn Album" they changed the face of popular music forever ... an achievement for which they have been hailed the world over, right up to the point it was realised they were indirectly responsible for Coldplay.

(*) Like most sons of Skowz, they demonstrated their loyalty by leaving the city as soon as they could and never, ever returning.


Eestrus

Eestrus is the, somewhat unfortunate, Albian term for Easter. As such it is not - as I had assumed on arriving in the country - one of those made-up festivals, cobbled together by chocolate manufacturers(1) and card purveyors to flog their goods. Rather, it is an ancient Christian (and before that, pagan) festival, with deep roots in the national psyche, which the chocolate manufacturers and card purveyors support so enthusiastically out of the simple goodness of their hearts.

As with all ther national religious festivals, most Albians celebrate Eestrus by overeating, watching too much telly and getting into an argument, the cause of which no-one can ever precisely remember, with their families.


Eerz, Ruud

A former Krep Party Home Minister, Ruud Eerz was a man famed for his political weight(*) and - judging by the coverage in the Albian media - little else.

Having spent much of his career criticising Bragdny Door, it is unsurprising that since Mr Door's accession to the leadership, Mr Eerz has become a rather pitiful figure. He can now be found, a sad and bedraggled shadow of his former self, hanging around the sort of hostelry favoured by journalists(*) offering to give anti-government quotes and/or perform a shambling dance for the price of a stale sausage roll.

(*) ie the sort of hostelry that serves alcohol


Endjudi, Reetchad

Leader of the sinister Reetchad Endjudi cult, whose members once spent their time buying middle-of-the-road novels as directed by Endjudi and gathering round their television sets at 5pm and switching it on for a "mindwipe". The cult recently transferred to its own cable TV channel.


ETV

Endependenti Televis was Albia's first commercial broadcaster. It hit the nation's airwaves in 1955, broadcasting the first advertisement seen on Albian television, promoting Spuud "the toothpaste with added potato-based alcohol".

In its time, ETV has broadcast some of Albia's most interesting and challenging programmes, from current affairs strands such as World Inaction ("Weld Inakti") and Last Week ("Lesta Vok"), through comedies such as hospital-based Only When I Get MRSA ("No en Suffrar ASRM") and house-rental farce Dry Rot ("Lenard Rossta"), and on to classic dramas such as The Jewel in the Crone ("Da Jool en da Krow") and Bridjend Revisited ("Sklomp").


Fathers For Headlines

Fathers For Headlines is an organisation of fathers devoted to appearing on the front pages of Albian newspapers disguised as concerned parents denied access to their children.


Fanatik Loon

See Loon, Fanatik


Fickficki, Dumazd

The famous Albian advertising star, once - allegedly - a footballer, viewed by many as a midfield maestro and by yet more as "an overrated pretty-boy".

Fickficki is easily recognisable from his appearances in assorted advertisements(*), on the front page of tabloid newspapers, between the covers of "OhNo!" Albia's favourite "celebrity" magazine and at assorted premieres, openings, launches and similarly pointless events. He is also famed as the husband of Tooffin Fickficki.

(*) such appearances usually being made naked save for some sock-enhanced underpants

Fickficki, No Fumar

Youngest son of Dumazd and Tooffin Fickicki. Born in Spain (where Dumazd made occasional appearances for his football team between injuries, bans, celebrity appearances and advertising engagements), hence the Spanish name chosen by his parents, a gesture which would - I am sure - have endeared them to the locals, had it not been for the fact that the Spanish name they chose was selected from a sign near their home and means No Smoking. This is at least an improvement on some of their other candidates, which included "Beware of Cesspit", "No Fly Tipping" and "Gentlemen Please Adjust Your Dress Before Leaving". No Fumar has two older siblings Eastcheam and Iago.


Fickficki, Tooffin

Now best known as the wife of Dumazd Fickficki and the holder seven-years-running of the Guinness World Record for attention-seeking.

Tooffin was formerly a member of the all-female popular music group, the Herb Girls and was, I am told, popularly referred to during her time in this group as "Common Herb".






Flok, Yin

Former Leader of the Drid PartyFormer Leader of the Drid Party. Mr Flok is a native Dipfrydian noted for his fondness for "y wi drom"(*) and his laid-back leadership style (many believe the latter attribute to be related to the former).

He was ousted from his post in 2007, in a coup which might have gone unnoticed had it not been for Mr Flok's loud cries that he would "Take on the lot of you, come on then, come on! One hand behind my back" and equally loud protestations that "I really, really love you. You're my best mate, you are".

(*) that is "a small tot"(**), generally of Dipfryde's favourite tipple: turnip-based alcohol.
(**) "small" in this case is a relative term and is usually best thought of as meaning "of rather lesser size than, say, the Mediterranean sea"


Frelsveorthig

A village in central Albia whose chief claims to fame are: first, that all its 189 inhabitants belong to one family and, secondly, that it has the highest finger and toe count per head of population of any village in the whole of the European Union. It is mentioned here because it is the residence of the relatives of my dear, sadly ex-, wife, Ylatea.


Garindua, Da

A left-wing broadsheet newspaper, whose staff are generally regarded as a mix of mowsli-eating, sandal-wearing, "alternative-lifestyle"-indulging pinkoes and black-polo-necked, rimless-glasses-wearing, shaven-headed failed advertising executives. It has an ancient and well-justified for the numerousness of its misprints, which have resulted in reviews of the Shakespeare play "Omelette, Prince of Denmark" and the Bruce Lee film "Polenta the Dragon", leader columns about the dangers of "mad cow disease or B&Q" and a particularly unfortunate transposition of letters which resulted in the surname of a senior Dutch politician not sounding like a rude word.


Ghei

A seaside town on Albia's north coast, Ghei has become something of a home-from-home for those Blizstans who favour what I understand is usually termed an "alternative lifestyle". Where once the town was filled with hotels and "bed and breakfasts"(1), it is now home to vast numbers of Hopi ear-candle crafters, hemp basket weavers and roving bands of itinerant reflexologists.

(1) which were themselves filled with office workers and their secretaries signing in for the weekend as "Mr & Mrs Schmetzz".


Ghurli

A tartan skirt worn by male natives of Dipfryde.


Gled Fredajj

Gled Fredajj is the Albian equivalent of "Good Friday". Albians celebrate by giving each other hotkrozbunis - an ancient Albian treat produced by pouring hot water down a rabbit hole.


Glenko, Olly

Formerly Kiznya Schlop's spokesman and spin-doctor-in-chief (not to mention enforcer of press silence) Olly Glenko began life as a journalist, working his way up from feature-writing on various Albian gentlemen(*)'s interest(**) magazines to become Berot Kenko(***)'s right-hand man on left-wing tabloid "Da Dul".

In his role as Mr Schlop's spokesman, Mr Glenko became famous for his regular press briefings, during which he would require members of the press to strip down to their briefs and then attack them with electric cattle prods until the agreed to write what he dictated. He gave up his post in 2003 following the fall out from his involvement in presenting the government's case for war with Iraq(****) and his frequent attacks on the ABC(*****).


(*) for "gentlemen" read "rather sad and lonely male persons lacking in female companionship".
(**) for "interests" read "one handed leisure pursuits".
(***) the famous media baron, football club owner, writ issuer and pension thief, last seen floating in the Pacific Ocean imitating a small island.
(****) in particular the notorious "dodgy dossier" or, as the Albians have it "loda porkiz", affair.
(*****) in particular the one involving the gelignite-filled pipe bombs and the high velocity rifle.

Grevvitren

Albia's Houses of Parliament - a noble and ancient institution founded - I am told by reliable Albian sources - on the principle that it's good to have a place to keep "all your dangerous loonies".


Heyt, Da

"Da Heyt" is Albia's most popular mid-market tabloid, aimed squarely and successfully at the average member of the great "middle Albian" public(1).

(1) I should note that, judging by the paper's contents, the average "middle-Albian" would appear to be a swivel-eyed, diet-obsessed, foreigner-hating, alternative-therapy-believing, science-fearing, child-loathing, paranoiac.


Hoo, Bambilite

Leader of the Drid Party and, as such, a little-known figure in Albian life.

Believed to have been cloned by a group of top Drid Party scientists from the mixed DNA of Kiznya Schlop and Bambi Nottinill - resulting in a plausible type with a reasonable smile and willingness to appear on any chatshow.

He can be identified by his complete lack of both a navel and any policies.


Horz

Horzhood is the Albian equivalent of knighthood, lordship, baronetcy and all other English titles . This may show a lack of diversity but does certainly make it easier when trying to work out the correct mode of address for a member of the nobility.


Horzett

The Albian equivalent of a Lady, Dame, Baroness and all other female English titles. See Horz, above.


Horzhood

Knighthood or damehood


Horz Kreepiman

See Kreepiman, Horz


Hungri

Hungri College is Albia's leading, or at least most expensive, public school. It was founded in 1440 by King Hanky VI as a charity school, a status it enjoys to this day, taking in as it does the children of many impoverished emperors, shahs, sheikhs, princes and hedge fund managers.

It is said that the battle of Gardyloo was won on the playing fields of Hungri, though this would have come as a shock to the common soldiery, most of whom were fighting on the fields of Gardyloo itself.


Ivril Twotz Deg

"Ivril Twotz Deg", 1st April, is the day in the year set aside for assorted japes and pranks designed to make one's victims appear in some way stupid, idiotic or ridiculous. As such it is also the basis of all reality TV programmes.


Jammi Dikkins

See Dikkins, Jammi


Jerki Kleevij

See Kleevij, Jerki


Jinji Zingzflet

Like Tooffin Fickficki, Jinji is a former member of the Herb Girls, usually referred to as Desperate Herb. She is best known for her charity work (which, contrary to the stereotype, she likes to talk about rather a lot), her frequent dieting, the exercise regimes she has given up and being able to grip a musical note almost as firmly as Dumazd Fickficki grasps quantum mechanics.


Kamella

For many years Prince Yusslez's favourite horse and now, following a moving ceremony in the High Security Wing of St Gozondor's Hospital in May 2005, his wife. A full rundown of the tortuous wedding preparations can be found in Wedded Bliss, Backing Off, Choices, Choices, Securely Tied and Otherwise Engaged.


Kent, Ylatea

My, sadly, ex-wife. Those wishing to follow the, admittedly somewhat tortuous, history of our relationship may wish to look at In My Own Defence, Back Again, Caught Out, Oh Dear, Click Away, Back To Where I Once Belonged, Snow News, Good News Everybody! and Schloppy Defending. Happily, Ylatea herself is well and is now married to my dear and most trusted friend, Vlotar, with whom she lives along with our daughter Vlotara.


Kiznya, Schlop

See Schlop, Kiznya


Kleevij, Jerki


Albia's Home Minister. Ms Kleevij's appointment by Bragdny Door was initially seen as a masterstroke, bringing a woman to the post for the first time. Those commentators who had, in the traditional patronising manner, warned that the appointment of a female to the role would result in new off-the-shoulder uniforms for police officers, the 24-hour-a-day screening of Sex and the City in immigration detention centres and all members of the secret service, SM5, being forced to look like the dishy male lead of ABC's Zpookz, were swiftly proved wrong when Ms Kleevij turned out to be, if anything, somewhat to the right even of such predecessors as Ruud Eerz and Fanatik Loon.


kredditkrunsch

Albian for the near-total collapse of the global financial system. A kredditkrunsch occurs when very bright but amoral people are offered vast incentives to devise the financial equivalent of perpetual motion machines. Strangely, by the time the financial motion machine has slowed to a halt, the people who devised it will usually be found elsewhere, their multi-million pahnd bonuses still intact.

See also Zhiti, Da; Zhiti-boys.


Kreepiman, Horz

Formerly simply Piotr Kreepiman, now elevated to a Horzship following his return to government after a stint as Albia's European Commissioner.

An endlessly controversial figure, Horz Kreepiman spent much of the last 30 years at the heart of the Krep party machine, first as campaign co-ordinator and later as BG for Mooshipiz. His doubtless enormous political skills have been repeatedly compromised by his moth-like attraction to the flame of wealth, which has led to him repeatedly being discovered bashing into the windows of the rich and famous at night in an attempt to get closer to the rich people inside.

Horz Kreepiman is often seen as the eminence noire behind the Noy Krep Party and was close to both the former PM Kiznya Schlop and his successor Bragdny Door (with whom he has had a spectacular hate-hate relationship ever since supplying Mr Schlop with the rohypnol he used to convince Mr Door not to run for the party leadership). He is regarded as a brilliant and ruthless political opponent and - now that he has returned to government - it is said that his dark eye burns forever in his great tower, ready to turn swiftly against any foe.


Krezzigeng Tennis Tournament

Albia's world famous tennis tournament, played out on top of grass and underneath torrential rain each summer. The men's singles title was last won by an Albian in 1843(*).

(*) even this was somewhat unexpected, especially given that the tournament wasn't actually set up until 1877.


krispz

The Albian take on the "crisp" or, for our American cousins, the "potato chip". Given the near-sacred position of the potato in Albian culture (it is, after all, the basis of most of the country's alcoholic beverages), krispz are usually made from some other root-vegetable or, failing that, damp cardboard.


Kukolda, Vlotar

The manager of Vlotar’s Cybercafe, the man who helped me create this “blog” and – to use a favourite phrase of the late Princess Ditzi – “my rock”.

Whether providing me with a cupboard to live in or throwing himself wholeheartedly into negotiations with my dear ex-wife Ylatea, Vlotar has been a true friend. Indeed, so true a friend is he that - following the tragic end of my relationship with Ylatea - he was willing to step into the breach and care for her. I would say that their marriage was one of the happiest days of my life, had it not been for the fact that Ylatea felt it would be better if I did not attend.


Loon, Fanatik

Albia's former Home Minister. A lifelong member of the Krep Party and former leader of Ztil's town council, Mr Loon was once known as a leftwing firebrand but later became content to be seen as being somewhat to the right of centre, provided the centre in question is itself somewhat to the right of Genghis Khan. Mr Loon is a man of deep religious faith, which he tries to put into effect in his daily life, such as by his recent attempts to re-introduce stoning as a penalty for minor infringements of the penal code.

He resigned in December 2004, following controversy over visas(*) and, perhaps more importantly, his decision to attack his fellow ministers as, inter alia, "a bunch of useless idiots who couldn't organise a public stoning in a quarry"(**). Despite this, he returned to the Cabinet following the May 2005 elections as Minister for Pensions, a position he managed to hold down for a remarkable six months before being involuntarily resigned due to a conflict of interest, presumably between himself and the Albian public.

(*) see No Escape, Visa Vis, A Loon With A View, Home All Alone and The Thais That Bind.
(**) see Guess Who's Back.

Luvvahly, Ollsta

Albia's Finance Minister, a position that could only be envied by the type of person who carries around their own gimp mask. Matters are made all the more difficult by Mr Luvvahly's diffident manner and sometimes hesitant delivery, which together lead to a ministerial performance with all the calm assurance of an octopus on a unicycle.

Prior to his appointment as Finance Minister, Mr Luvvahly was noted for two things: first, being "a safe pair of governmental hands" and secondly the fact that - due to a tragic accident in early life - his eyebrows have had to be surgically replaced by a pair of caterpillars.


Marrzbah

Second city of Dipfryde.


Millennium Tetrahedron

A disastrous project to celebrate the year 2000 by erecting a very big tent in Blizsta and putting some very dull exhibits inside it. Unsurprisingly, nobody came.


Mimzee

A beautiful, if these days slightly faded, Gozondorian(1) spa town, nestled on the edge of the Lymeswold hills.

Mimzee is famous for its architecture, its racecourse and for the fact that, when advised in the early 1990s that the Nyesti party wished to select a black man to stand as its BG, the whole of the local membership fainted ... before blearily assuring reporters that this had nothing to do with any racist feeling on their part and that many of their best friends were non-white, or rather some of them were ... well, maybe none of the members had any non-white friends but several of them did quite enjoy singing along to Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah from Walt Disney's Song of the South from time to time.

(1) This refers to a period roughly equivalent to the English "Georgian" era.


Mowsli

The Albian equivalent of muesli. consisting (so far as anyone can tell) of nuts, raisins, woodchip and beetroot-shavings. It is normally served up in a large bowl smothered in potato-based alcohol or (if times are desperate) milk.


Mowthov, Zwari

One time "punk" musician and present-day saviour of the universe(1) following his organisation of the charitable Hearing Aid(2) concert in 1985, and the Live9 concerts in 2005(3).

The more conservative members of the Albian population still associate the erstwhile pop star with his use of alarming language whilst trying to elicit donations during the screening of the Hearing Aid Concert. In fairness to Mr Mowthov it should be noted that the appalling terms he was using were merely the names of his children.

(1) a position he holds in rotation with someone known as "Bono" of "U2".
(2) so named due to the involvement of a number of relatively elderly popular musicians rendered somewhat short of hearing due to the use of excessive sonic amplification over a number of years.
(3) see Aiding and Abetting and Popping The Question.