Friday, May 08, 2009

The Albia Who's Who: Schmo Kavil

Record company A&R man, television producer and "entrepreneur"(1) Schmo Kavil is best known for being the face of Da Eck Faktor (and several other programmes which, name apart, are exactly the same). As such he is apparently hell-bent on destroying the remnants of Albian entertainment and music. His numerous television programmes squat across the schedules of ETV's many channels, displacing any hope of classic programming with parades of the borderline mentally ill, desperate to humiliate themselves and/or trot out carefully selected tales of personal misery in return for a femtosecond of fame. His even more numerous recording artists (all of them sourced from his programmes), meanwhile, seek to replace the vibrant and challenging popular music for which Albia is occasionally famed(2) with a diet of bland musical gloop, consisting largely of "timeless" standards being stripped naked and waterboarded like a Guantanamo detainee by a series of singers convinced that the way forward is baroque, gospel-lite, faux-soul twiddlings that wouldn't be good enough to grace the broken elevator of a run-down department store.

Mr Kavil's strangely immobile face, jet-black hair and plastic-looking skin have led some to speculate that he was cloned from a 1970's Action Man doll, though rumours that he has no genitalia are groundless: thanks to his programmes' inexplicable popularity he has long had the balls of each and every head of ETV in his pocket.

(1) In Albian usage the term is synonymous with "obnoxious git".
(2) As in the Alb-pop era of the 90s, the punk and new wave eras of the 70s and 80s and, of course, the Eerwigz-dominated 60s.

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